Gobble Gobble!

When November rolls around every year, I get asked the same question frequently-

“HOW THE HELL DO I COOK A TURKEY!!?!??”

Before my days in culinary school, my turkey’s were worse than the turkey Catherine made in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation- drier than my sense of humor.

I thought I would go the rest of my life feeding my beloved’s pitiful poultry, but then one day the gates of hell opened up and spit out my chef instructor, who happened to have the best recipe for turkey in the history of turkey.

Honestly, to this day, I think he pulled the recipe out of his ass. And when he first gave it to me, I was certain he gave me a bunk recipe to sabotage my feast.

By the grace of Satan, the recipe worked. Perfectly. So, here you have it. A recipe for the most delicious, moist (ew) turkey you’ll ever taste.

Turkey Time

Preheat oven to 350

Prep turkey- fully thaw and pull neck/sack from cavity

Place turkey in roasting pan, breast side up

Rub entire turkey with butter, then season with salt/pepper

(I’m anti turkey stuffing. It’s a crime. If you’re a turkey stuffer, by all means, go for it. I make mine on the side. You should too.)

Cover turkey with a tent of foil then place in the oven. Set a timer for 4 1/2 hours. Cooking times vary, but most large birds need 4 1/2 hours to fully cook.

From this point on you’ll want to baste every hour to get those yummy juices distributed all over the turkey. Do this quickly and safely. The longer the oven is open the more your oven temp will drop. This step will aid in delicious golden skin.

At the 3 hour mark check the bird temperature. Best place to do this is the thickest meat area, usually the breast. If the temp is 110-120 pull foil off and increase oven to 425. Baste and check bird temp every 30 minutes now.

Take your turkey out when the internal temp is 155. Rely on your bird temp, more than a timer. If you still have an hour left on your timer, but the temp is 155, trust the temp. Keep in mind, turkeys are large birds, so they continue to cook once out of the oven. The internal temp will reach the recommended 165.

For the love of Satan, LET YOUR TURKEY REST AT LEAST 30 MINUTES. If you cut into it right away, you’re going to lose all those juices you worked so hard to get, resulting in a dusty ass turkey.

Now that you have a beautiful turkey, stuff your face, then go shopping like a good American should.

Happy Thanksgiving, y’all.

****I'm adding on some side dishes for you folks who are stuck at home cooking the entire feast on your own.

First up is green bean casserole. You either love it or hate it. And if you love it, you've likely been eating the canned soup version. Lemme tell, with a little extra prep, you can take your casserole to the next level by making it from scratch. Trust me. I hate mushrooms, but I will eat them for this dish, and this dish alone. I use canned beans because I'm a half assed homemade type of gal, but you can use fresh beans.

HOMEMADE GREEN BEAN CASSEROLE

-4 cans drained greens beans or 1.5 pounds fresh green beans, rinsed and ends trimmed

-2 tablespoons unsalted butter

-1 small yellow or white onion, chopped

-2 cloves garlic, minced

-2 large portobello mushrooms, chopped

-1 teaspoon salt, to taste

-1/2 - 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper, to taste

-2 tablespoons all-purpose flour

-1 cup chicken broth (or vegetable stock)

-1 cup half-and-half

-1 container of french fried onions (I also add half a container of the French fried jalapeños. GAME CHANGER)

INSTRUCTIONS

1. Preheat oven to 375°F. Grease a 9x13 casserole dish, set aside.

2. Canned Green Beans: If using canned green beans , drain green beans completely and set aside. For fresh- Blanch the beans: In a large pot, bring about a gallon of water and 1 tablespoons of salt to a boil. Add the green beans and boil for 8 minutes. Drain in a colander and immediately plunge the beans into a large bowl of ice water to stop the cooking process. Drain and set aside.

3. Melt butter in a large skillet set over medium-high heat. Add the garlic and onions, stirring occasionally, until the onions begin to soften, about 4 to 5 minutes. Add the mushrooms, salt and pepper and continue to cook for another 1 to 2 minutes.

4. Sprinkle in the flour and stir to combine. Cook for 2 minutes. Add the chicken broth and stir to combine. Then add the half and half and simmer until the mixture thickens, stirring occasionally, approximately 6 to 8 minutes.

5. Remove from the heat and stir in all of the green beans. Transfer green bean mixture to prepared casserole dish.

6. Top with the bread crumbs and then layer the french fried onions on top. Place casserole in the oven and bake until bubbly, about 20 minutes. If your onions start to brown too quickly, cover the casserole with foil. Serve immediately!

MASHED POTATOES

The most important side

Okay, so I started making these mashers a few years back and I wont make them any other way now. They are perfection, and a few more steps, but worth it. Trust. This Recipe is from Tyler Florence, who taught me that boiling taters in water is actually a great disservice to the spud. When you dump the water out, you are dumping out flavor, hence boiling them in cream that will be incorporated back into the mashers. GENIUS!

Ingredients

-8 medium-sized Yukon gold potatoes, quartered unpeeled

-2 cups heavy cream

-2 cups whole milk

-4 cloves garlic, peeled and gently smashed

-4 sprigs fresh thyme

-1 bay leaf

-Extra-virgin olive oil

-2 tablespoons butter

-Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper

Add potatoes, cream, milk, garlic, thyme and bay leaf into a large saucepan and gently boil for 15 minutes until potatoes are just tender and the tip of a paring knife goes through with little resistance. Strain potatoes and reserve the cream mixture but discard the bay leaf, thyme stems and the garlic. Mash the potatoes and fold in the cream mixture until the potatoes are smooth and creamy. Fold in about a tablespoon of the olive oil, then the butter. Season with salt and pepper.

You can easily double this recipe.