WE ARE NOT SUPERHEROES
I’m sure I’m going to ruffle some feathers with this post, but that’s never stopped me from sharing my thoughts before, so here we go…
Sabin was “officially” diagnosed with high functioning autism spectrum disorder at 2 ½.
I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety disorder at the age of 11, and am currently being re-evaluated for bipolar disorder.
As you can see, we’re an eclectic bunch.
Now that I’ve been in this autism bubble for some time, I’ve noticed similarities in the way people stigmatize mental illness and autism.
Sure, scientifically they are not the same, but the way people react to them is the same in many ways.
When I inform people of Sabin’s diagnosis, I tend to get the same response I get when I tell people about my mental disorders- “he seems normal. It doesn’t look like anything is wrong with him.”
The bottom line here is- our brains don’t function the same way other brains do. People can’t see the constant misfiring neurons in our brains. People don’t see the struggles day to day. They don’t see me hiding in my closet/bathroom crying out the random hit of desperation in my chest. They don’t see Sabin stimming/yelling/ obsessing non-stop. They only see glimpses of our life that look “normal”.
The most frustrating thing about our disorders is the lack of understanding we encounter daily.
Here are just a few things people have said to me when I tell them about my disorders-
“You don’t act depressed.”
“You should get more exercise.”
“Ask God to heal you.”
“Just try to be happy.”
Also a few things people have said to me when I tell them about Sabin’s disorder-
“It could be worse.”
“At least he doesn’t have this, this or that”
“Why are you sad? It’s not a tragedy.”
I get that people try to be helpful when you open up to them, but sometimes just listening is more helpful. Sometimes giving regurgitated, bullshit advice makes matters worse. Understanding is the best support you can give someone.
Allowing someone to feel the way feel instead of shaming them for what they feel or not giving them reasons why it isn’t that bad, is even better support.
Sure, Sabin doesn’t have cancer or some other life-threatening childhood disease, but why does something have to be deadly in order for people to understand your grief? Why does a disorder have to be seen for it to be validated? Why am I not allowed to smile and be depressed at the same time without someone questioning the validity of my disorders? Why are people with mental health disorders not taken seriously until they commit suicide?
Lack of understanding. That’s why.
I’m a self proclaimed professional on the topic of mental health at this point. I have a few semesters of psychology under my belt, but my knowledge and understanding on the topic comes mostly from life experience. You have a question? Need support? Here I am.
I’m a novice at best when it comes to autism. I’m still learning. I’ve found that autism is even harder to understand. But I’m getting there. I may not be the one with the disorder, but for the sake of my child, and other children I know with the disorder, understanding is a necessity. Most of my research on autism has ended in frustration. Just like mental health disorders, there are so many “facts” and opinions out there.
I read an article recently that stated autism is a super power and parents who have children with autism are superheroes. I don’t agree. I believe this lends to more misunderstanding.
Sabin has no super powers. He is a child who does quirky shit sometimes. He is a child who loves fruit snacks and hates dogs. He is a child who needs a little extra help to live his best life. I’m not a superhero. I’m a mom who sometimes cries for days on end. I’m a mom who loses her shit a lot. I’m a mom on medication. I’m a mom who takes care of her kids to the best of her abilities, because that’s what you do when you have kids. Sabin and I possess the same regular human abilities as everyone else, we just do life a bit differently than the rest of y’all. No super powers here. Understand? Good.
Having a child with autism is difficult. Having a child with autism when you suffer from mood disorders is a level of difficult I can’t explain.
Our disorders battle each other daily. There are four of us in the room at all times. Me, Sabin, autism and mental illness. We are all learning how to live together while maintaining our sanity. It’s not easy. Not even a little. I often wish that Sabin got a stronger mother. A mother who wasn't so fucked up in the head. I wish that Sabin had a mother who wasn't pulled into a depression every time she hears about yet another suicide because she fights those same demons and she knows those demons don't discriminate. Sometimes I wish both of us were normal because normalcy is so much easier than this constant battle. But wishing does nothing to help either of us. It only makes shit harder. So I force myself to focus on what's in front of me. What I can do to help both of us thrive.
“Just ‘cause you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there.” Those are lyrics from the gifted mind of Chester Bennington, who took his own precious life almost a year ago. No words have ever resonated so deeply in my soul like those. 11 words that sum what I've been trying to tell the world since age 11. Chester understood because he lived it, but you don't have to live it to understand. You can understand by being open to learning. Open to helping. Open to listening.
Our disorders will hinder our day to day for the rest of our lives, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. But that’s our life, and we shall live it how we see fit, and to the best of our abilities. And while I’m still here on this earth, I hope by speaking about all this it will help people understand. Because that’s all I can give anyone at this point in my life. Just a bit of understanding.
Resources for those in need of help-
https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline-
We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.
1-800-273-8255