'Tis The Season for Boundaries 2.0

I wrote this blog a few years ago after an incident with a family member and my children. The incident forced my husband and I to set a hard boundary, which created a rift in our family dynamic because my husband and I refused to let our children around this family member until they owned up to treating my children like garbage and apologizing for it.

6 years later, there‘s still no resolution, and because there was a lack of accountability from the side of those who were involved, this incident has now grown into a bigger issue with the family members who are still to this day, defending the family member who was aggressive with my six year old at the time, and are now blaming my six year old and my husband for this family members actions. I know it's wild to think that someone could defend an adult who gets aggressive with a six year old, but I've learned when family dynamics are unhealthy, anything is possible.

My husband has had to make some hard decisions in the last year, decisions I've had to make myself with my own family, because he understands now that if you want to see change within your home, if you want different for your children, then you gotta throw a wrench in the cycle that has never served anyone well. It's been a struggle for me to see what my husband has gone through this last year. The guilt tripping, the verbal abuse, the ever constant reminder of his fuck ups as a teen. I've wanted nothing more than to start wars and watch everything implode for the sake of my husband, but I've also learned that some battles are not mine to fight. Some battles I just have to sit on the sideline and cheer him on. I'm so proud of my husband, and I let him know that often, because I try to cancel out the glaring disappointment he receives from the family who he set boundaries with. I try to reassure him that if he's making these choices for his children, for his own inner child, then he should have no regrets, no matter how much his family tries to convince him he just needs to get over it and continue to allow the verbal abuse and aggression toward his children

As a side note, if you are the spouse of someone who is setting boundaries with their families, be prepared for them to blame you for it. I have been accused of being a troublemaker, an instigator, hell me and my husband have been accused of planning this whole elaborate lie and making all this up JUST TO MAKE THE AGGRESSIVE FAMILY MEMBER LOOK BAD. The real kicker here is, if I was truly who they painted me to be, I would tell my son all the hurtful things his own family has said about him, so he can make his own decisions on the matter, but because I'm not as unhinged as they claim I am, I don't even speak about the situation in front of my son, because he doesn't deserve the awful things they have said about him. He doesn't need to keep being traumatized by this situation. I'm protecting my son, and in a way, I'm protecting the family members, because if I was this hateful bitch that they assume me to be, I would've had no issue telling my child just how his family sees him, but I'm allowing them room to figure out why they're in the wrong and make amends before they damage their relationship with my son indefinitely. Am I making the wrong choice by extending grace to them after what they have said about my son and husband and me? Probably, but this hateful bitch has a soft heart, and I don't what this to be what it is forever. But I also realize that it's likely my son will never get the apology and respect he deserves, and that's okay. The aggressive family and other family members who have painted my son to be an instigating troublemaker like his mother, will no longer be allowed to hold space in my child's life because of their refusal to be held accountable. Their action or inaction will determine the future.

The longer this situation has gone unresolved, the nastier the other parties have been, and I understand it's projection from their own shit they have yet to work through, but that still doesn't make it okay. I can hold space for their unhealed wounds without letting them use our family as a punching bag. My husband has taken a verbal beating, and I honestly commend him for not blowing shit up. I would've long ago been like fuck y'all you fucking fucks I'm out. My husband made some not so great choices in his teen and early twenty years, and spent all of his later twenties and thirties making amends, apologizing, and changing his behaviors to become the man he is today, and I'm so proud of how far he's come. But my pride is often overshadowed by his family members who LOVE to bring up his past as a means to say he should just get over what this other family member did because it wasn't as bad as what he did. What they still refuse to see is, my husband has worked for over on decade on making amends. He admitted his faults. He apologized. He admitted he wasn't perfect. He has always been held to a higher moral standard because of his past mistakes, but the aggressive family member still says he did nothing wrong. They are not the same. This also brings up so much sadness for me for my husband. Like I can't imagine myself, fifteen years from now with papa, and constantly reminding him of shit he did when he was a kid. Constantly throwing it in his face how he wasn't the perfect child all while refusing to see how I played a role in those behaviors. Do y'all understand how soul crushing that is for an adult child? I'm honestly sick of these whatbaoutisms. It's mind numbing at this point. What my husband did when he was seventeen had nothing to do with how my son was treated, and they refuse to see that. The faults of my husband and the unresolved bullshit he has with his family is not the responsibility of my child. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you or your children deserve something because of someone else's unresolved trauma. That's so fucking toxic yo. I'm also tired of all the fault being put on my husband for the way he was as a chid, like his home life had nothing to do with it. Like he didn't have any reason to rebel. The lack of accountability all around makes me want to scream FA LA LA LA FUCK OFF.

When you start to set boundaries, it makes people big mad. People who have been allowed to treat others horribly for years and finally being held accountable makes everyone uncomfortable. Most people don’t like change. They don’t like when you mess up their norm. They don’t like being told you’re not going to put up with the bullshit anymore. I’m not asking much for my kids. Treat them like humans. Respect them. If you can’t do that, bye bitch. I’ve learned over the past few years that there will always be someone there to enable shitty behavior and those people are usually more upset than the culprit about your boundaries. Because they don’t have the balls to stand up to the person like you do. They get mad at you and blame you for the rift because it’s easier than making a change and holding bad behavior accountable. So here we are, years later, and I’m telling y‘all the same shit. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Which is easier said than done, because man do those being held accountable love to gaslight the shit out of you. They will bring up your past, they will call you a liar, they will berate you and treat you like shit, all to get you to change your mind. If you can recognize the gaslighting, good. Call it out. And keep on keeping on with your boundaries.

Boundaries have shifted for a lot of people the last few years. Families have been divided because some think covid isn't serious and some know it can kill you. Some people just out here showing their homophobic and racist ass because it's become the norm within the spaces they inhabit, like their churches. People are tired of it. You don’t have to risk your mental and your lives and others lives in the name of tradition. You don’t have to put up with shitty family members in the name of tradition. There‘s nothing wrong with creating your own, new non-toxic traditions.

And now, for the original post…

The are holidays upon us, many of us feel that pressure to be involved in holiday celebrations with family we have no desire to be around. Those family members may be abusive, destructive, etc., and they have no desire to acknowledge and/or change that behavior.

You likely already have family members in your ear trying to persuade you...

You HAVE to put up with that homophobic cousin, you HAVE to put up with that abusive uncle, you HAVE to put up with that cruel brother, you HAVE to put up with that aunt who passive aggressively calls you fat

BeCaUSE

tHEy

ArE

FaMiLY

Nah.

You don’t have to.

I don’t have to.

They don’t have to.

Many of us watched as the generations before us tiptoed around destructive family members, ignored the abusive elephant in the room, and swept dirty secrets under the Christmas tree at holiday gatherings. Slap a smile on and pretend for just one night everything is okay BeCAusE ThEY aRe FAmiLy.

And so we did, because for years we were told shitty behavior was acceptable if you shared the same bloodline.

This is not okay.

This is not normal.

This is not healthy.

You know what is? Speaking up, as uncomfortable and difficult as it may be. Setting boundaries for you and your immediate family. Making a choice the generations before you should have made, instead of allowing guilt to drive you.

If you don’t want to spend your holidays with toxic family, don’t. Make your choice and stand firm. Don’t allow people to project their guilt onto you, because trust me, you will be guilt tripped, you will be called difficult, a bitch, stubborn and everything under the sun, but don’t back down. You may not have had a choice when you were a kid, but you do now, and it's a choice you should be proud of, because it is hard to recognize these issues within your family unit, and it's even harder to say "no, I will not accept this behavior anymore".

If you have young children, you have to realize you are now that older generation who is setting the tone for their generation. It’s our responsibility to stop poisonous traditions and make way for healthier ones. Also, to further the topic of children for a second- children are not obligated to hug/kiss/sit next to anyone at these gatherings, family or not. If someone makes them uncomfortable, listen to them and allow them that right to their personal space. They are learning now who has jurisdiction over their body, and it should always be them.

If your boundaries mean you’re alone this holiday season, or you’re sad (but also relieved) because you had to set boundaries, shoot me a message so I can include you in my holiday season.

But remember, being alone during the holidays isn’t always a bad thing. Loneliness is part of this life we didn’t sign up for, and sometimes you just have to jam with it until you're on the other side of it. I've spent many holidays alone/sad/single/angry, and it sucks, but those feelings will change just as the seasons do.

Happiness doesn’t have a schedule, it doesn’t always land on holidays. If this is your season of sadness, so be it. Just remember to take care of yourself in that sadness. Brush your teeth. Go for a walk. Reach out to someone who has your front and back no matter what.

Life is hard and beautiful, and we must do everything in our power to live it as healthy and happy as possible, no matter what season it is.