Healing for the Holidays

This year many things have changed for my family. Along with the many boundaries we’ve had to fight to keep for our children and ourselves, there’s also been so much growth in other relationships because of boundaries.

I think oftentimes those who are having boundaries imposed on to them think it’s a means of punishment for them, when in reality it’s a means for peace for ourselves. It’s difficult for folks to view boundaries as anything other than a personal attack, especially when they refuse to acknowledge the wrongdoing that made those boundaries come to pass. They often play the victim and are too busy yelling about all the things you have ever done in your life to take responsibility for the hurt they caused you. And then they take it further by gaslighting and saying it wasn’t that bad or it didn’t happen that way. No one gets to tell you if they hurt you. When you tell someone that something they did was hurtful, that should be it, but it’s never that simple when you’re dealing with emotional immaturity.

And then sometimes the people who are having boundaries imposed on to them, take a step back and look at their own behaviors. They ask themselves what they can do to move forward in the situation. They own up to their part. They take steps to mend the hurt they caused. They acknowledge that although it may not have been their intent, they did hurt you, and they  allow you to have those feelings without shame or gaslighting. They apologize for hurting you.

There’s been times when me or my children have been owed apologies, but they never came to pass. And that’s something that used to bother me to no end. Until I understood that just because me or my children didn’t get that apology, it didn’t mean we weren’t deserving of it. Not everyone is capable of owning their shit and apologizing. And once you realize that, it’s much easier to move on from a situation that causes more hurt than peace. It’s much easier to move on and heal yourself when you understand that you won’t find healing in unhealed people. You just have to cut ties and accept the situation for what it is.

I wish I would’ve learned this when I was younger. It would’ve saved me many years of being bitter while I waited for an apology. I may not have learned this early on, but I’ve made it a point to teach my kids this. I’ve told my oldest on many occasions that he did deserve an apology in certain situations, and I also told him that it’s likely he won’t get one, but that doesn’t mean he didn’t deserve one, and that doesn’t mean he shouldn’t feel upset that he won’t get it. But at some point he will have to decide if it’s worth stewing over for a long time. It’s never worth it, I’ve assured him from experience.

I have given and received many apologies this year. It’s been healing, to walk back down the road of conflict and find the bumps that have caused hurt for all involved.

I’m going into this Christmas season feeling so good about so many relationships that were contentious for a long time. After many talks and many tears and much needed resolutions, it feels good to not have to carry as many boundaries into the season. There are still some boundaries that, from what I can tell, will be there indefinitely. And that’s okay. But what a relief it has been to be able to adjust other boundaries where all needs were considered and met.

I used to think all issues had to be resolved in my life to truly be happy. But I’ve found you can celebrate the progress in one situation while also not being happy about another.

I hope all of you have found some sort of healing this year, and if you still find yourself in a contentious space with people in your life, maybe it’s time to ask yourself if it’s worth trying to fix. Some relationships just won’t ever be what you want and need. And that’s a hard pill to swallow for many.

I can tell you though, I have never regretted setting a boundary, or cutting off a relationship that was bringing more stress than peace to my life. It wasn’t easy in the beginning, but it was worth it for my mental health in the long run.

Now go forth into the holiday season with your necessary boundaries intact, and gather around the folks who care enough about you to mend what is cracked.

Happy Holidays, friends.